Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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