walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
