the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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