If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
