New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
