Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
