I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
