There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
