im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
