so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Randomize
