You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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