I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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