You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
