Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
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