Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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