He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
