i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
