$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize