I want to walk on stilts...naked
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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