My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I wish there were birth control emojis
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
You are a genius and a whore.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
