Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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