I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I smell stomach acid.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
