whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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