Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
