I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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