Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
