By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
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