We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
