I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
