i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
