Swine flu. Run for my life!
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
