the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
