I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
