Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize