Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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