But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
stop calling my apartment porn island.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
