Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
