why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
