it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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