Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
