I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
