Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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