Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
