Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
