If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
