Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
