He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
