i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
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