you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
