I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize