I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
