Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
