How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
there is glitter all over my balls
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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