i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
