Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
