you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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