who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
