So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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