i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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