You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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