Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
