and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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