I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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