A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
