He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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