I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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