There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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