Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Randomize
